Bent but not broken

Yesterday my husband and I ran into a guy from our old church at the gym. I was huffing and puffing on the treadmill so I didn't talk to him but my husband did. We had heard that he and his family along with a few other families had left the church too but we didn't know why. It turns out, this family left for a lot of  the same reasons we did; the hypocrisy and double standards, ever changing rules, and the final straw, the bullying of their daughter. It was like Deja Vu for us. It really upset me because it brought back a lot of the feelings I have been trying to move past. However, I didn't get as upset as I would have in the past and it's a bit of a relief to know that other people went through the same thing and I am not overreacting or making this up. I really wish we could just move away from here so we don't have to worry about running into people from our old church. I know it's only a matter of time before I run into someone I REALLY don't want to ...

It's hard to explain to people who didn't know me before I left Fundy world, what I used to be like. They only know me as the fun loving mom who has tattoos , cusses like a sailor and drinks like a fish. They wouldn't recognize the conservative, uptight, Bible thumping, long skirt wearing Fundy wife I used to be. I sometimes run into people from my old church and I see the look of confusion and shock on their faces when they notice my tattoos and lack of ankle length denim skirt. I can't help but chuckle to myself. I sometimes wonder if I have truly changed or if the person I am now is who I always was, but I was hidden behind a mask. I think because it feels so natural to be how I am now, that maybe this person was always inside me ,struggling to get out.  I never felt truly happy before and I was always afraid of what other people would think and felt guilty for having "sinful" thoughts. On some level ,I can relate to people who are gay and have "come o...

It's been a while since I posted.  There have been some changes in my life, nothing too drastic. The biggest one is that I started a new job in January and I really like it! I got a new tattoo that says "Don't stumble over what's behind you." I got it as a daily reminder to keep moving forward and to stop beating myself up for past decisions  and mistakes. It's a battle every day and a conscious effort but I feel like I'm a more positive person these days .I made a New Year's resolution to be more positive about things. This resolve has been tested by my new coworkers ,whom I love dearly but complain all day long about everything. I sometimes wonder if I was that person once upon a time and if I was just as annoying.  I'm guessing I was. I'm still trying to put Fundy world in the rear view mirror and I think I'm doing a pretty good job although I did have a minor setback about a month ago. We got a message from our old church on the home an...

For the most part, aside from a few uncontrollable eye rolling moments when I read some Fundy porn posts on Facebook, I'm doing pretty well leaving that world behind.  Occasionally though, I will see or hear something that takes me back. For example ,just tonight I read a post on a forum for moms from an anonymous woman who is literally trapped in fundamentalism. Her husband is the stereotypical controlling and abusive Fundy husband and has threatened to take her kids away if she leaves. I'm so very thankful that my husband never bought into the whole submissive wife bullshit but at the same time, I can relate on some level to her feelings of being trapped. For a while, we weren't on the same page with regards to the church and I wanted to leave but he didn't. It caused a lot of tension between us. I was absolutely miserable whenever I forced myself to go to church with him and our kids and felt like I was suffocating. I'm grateful every day that we finally got out ...

I read a Facebook post from a young lady we knew from our former church (she and her family left the church before we did) that was extremely disturbing. Long story short, when she was at "Christian " college, she was in an unhealthy relationship with a young man that manipulated her into performing sexual acts.  Because of the extremely conservative environment in which she was raised and the equally conservative environment of the college, she was terrified to speak up. She explained it as having a "Scarlet Letter " attached to you whenever you messed up, with regards to the judgement and shame. This is a very lovely young lady, beautiful,smart and talented. To say I was shocked when I read that, is an understatement. I think my mouth was hanging open. She finally found the courage to break free of the relationship after a couple of years and is sharing her story with the hope that she can help others in the same situation. While I'm upset about what happened ...

I run into members of our previous church from time to time, in various places. For the most part, the encounters are friendly or at the very least, polite. Unfortunately I have had two not so friendly encounters recently, one of them with a person who was once a very close friend of ours. It totally baffles me how people can justify being rude to someone, simply because that person no longer subscribes to the same beliefs. In all fairness, I chose to distance myself from a lot of people from the church,  for my own emotional and mental health. However, is that a reason for someone to be rude?  It's as if I am contaminated with non Fundy cooties. If some of those people felt slighted or hurt by me distancing myself, they could have come to me and asked me what was wrong. Out of all the dozens of people who claimed to be my friend, only one person dared approach me and ask me if I was okay. It never ceases to amaze me how people who can spout off Bible verses on demand, don't p...

I've heard it said that people use religion as a crutch. I totally agree with that but I also think people sometimes use it as a wall to hide behind so they don't have to deal with stuff . Instead of taking action and trying to fix the problem, they sit back and claim they are "praying about it ". I'm not knocking prayer but in the meantime, you need to use the brains and ability God gave you to try to figure things out. Pray to God but row for the shore. I know people who literally can't (or rather won't)  make any decision, large or small, without praying or running to their almighty pastor for advice;from buying a house to choosing a paint color for their bathroom and everything in between, they won't pull the trigger before seeking God's will. I know I sound awful but I get very annoyed by this mindset especially when it comes to hiding behind that wall instead of taking responsibility for your actions. I don't believe that God intended for...