Bent but not broken

I had an interesting experience this week, sort of a breakthrough. A friend of mine posted an article about sexual abuse in Independent Fundamental Baptist churches. It was very intense but not surprising. After some of the things I experienced when I was there, there was nothing in the article that was new to me. What really struck a nerve was that I recognized all the names of the pastors and the churches etc. I have either met them in person or heard them preach or at least heard the name because no matter how much they pride themselves on being "independent ", Fundy world is a small world after all . Initially, I wasn't going to comment at all but I did say that I wasn't surprised and I would probably ruffle feathers if I said what I wanted to say so I was going to back out of the conversation. My friend who posted the article, and a friend of hers, both encouraged me to express my opinion. I generally try to avoid Facebook drama like the plague because it never e...

I had never heard the term "spiritual abuse " until just over a year ago. When I first heard about it, to me it almost sounded overly dramatic but as I have researched it and also dealing with my own experiences, I realize it really is abuse. Last night, I was chatting with an online friend who is getting out of an abusive marriage. I started explaining to her a little bit of my experience with our former church and it hit me how many parallels there are in an abusive relationship and a spiritually abusive church. The manipulation, use of fear and guilt, the gaslighting ,the lies and isolation are all there. It just manifests itself in different ways. My friend was asking how she could have let this go on so long when she knew she was being used and manipulated .I told her it's amazing the tricks your mind plays on you when you're in an unhealthy situation and the lengths you will go to in your head to justify all the bullshit.  My friend said "You get it. You re...

I recently ran into someone from our old church and she was asking me about my husband's job. I told her where he was working and how much better it is than his old job at the steel mill. She pointed out how things worked out for the best after the lockout. She was so right. My husband and I talked about that a couple of months ago. While I wouldn't want to go through that again, I think it was the reset button that we needed. We were in such a constant turmoil and him being locked out of work was the final straw in the worst year of our lives. Since then, a lot of good things happened, new jobs, new friends, etc. which never would have happened if it wasn't for the lock out. Looking back ,we needed to just blow everything up and start from scratch. It's funny how you can look back at a horrible situation and see the good that came out of it.

It never ceases to amaze me how much I've changed but what's really weird is when I run into someone I used to go to church with ,and  they've also done a complete 180. There are a few people that I used to work with in the church nursery and other ministries, and we now run into each other at bars and talk about smoking weed and getting drunk. Some of these people don't really surprise me that they've gone the opposite direction but some people, I never would have thought they'd end up where they're at. I'm sure a lot of people think that about me. Not that I care but it's just something that crosses my mind occasionally. I said to my husband the other day that I wonder if these other people who have experienced a similar metamorphosis, have really changed or if they were always like that but kept it inside. He said it doesn't really matter, it is what it is. Whatever the reason, I'm just glad we're at this point and not where we were 5 ...

My oldest son graduated from high school 3 days ago. Looking back at the last 18 years, it's been one hell of a rollercoaster ride ,with so many twists and turns and ups and downs. Our lives 18 years ago are unrecognizable compared to where we are now .My son didn't have the easiest time during his high school years and there were times when I questioned whether we would ever see this day. I'm so proud of him for not letting his experiences completely break him. Most people don't have any idea about what he has been through. Only a few people know even a fraction of it. Having to put on a brave face and push the pain deep down inside has taught him that he is stronger than he thinks and he can get through whatever comes his way. Actually that's something we've all learned but I have really noticed a change in him particularly in the past 2 years. There has definitely been some growth and maturing that has taken place and I am looking forward to seeing where life...

Yesterday my husband and I ran into a guy from our old church at the gym. I was huffing and puffing on the treadmill so I didn't talk to him but my husband did. We had heard that he and his family along with a few other families had left the church too but we didn't know why. It turns out, this family left for a lot of  the same reasons we did; the hypocrisy and double standards, ever changing rules, and the final straw, the bullying of their daughter. It was like Deja Vu for us. It really upset me because it brought back a lot of the feelings I have been trying to move past. However, I didn't get as upset as I would have in the past and it's a bit of a relief to know that other people went through the same thing and I am not overreacting or making this up. I really wish we could just move away from here so we don't have to worry about running into people from our old church. I know it's only a matter of time before I run into someone I REALLY don't want to ...

It's hard to explain to people who didn't know me before I left Fundy world, what I used to be like. They only know me as the fun loving mom who has tattoos , cusses like a sailor and drinks like a fish. They wouldn't recognize the conservative, uptight, Bible thumping, long skirt wearing Fundy wife I used to be. I sometimes run into people from my old church and I see the look of confusion and shock on their faces when they notice my tattoos and lack of ankle length denim skirt. I can't help but chuckle to myself. I sometimes wonder if I have truly changed or if the person I am now is who I always was, but I was hidden behind a mask. I think because it feels so natural to be how I am now, that maybe this person was always inside me ,struggling to get out.  I never felt truly happy before and I was always afraid of what other people would think and felt guilty for having "sinful" thoughts. On some level ,I can relate to people who are gay and have "come o...

It's been a while since I posted.  There have been some changes in my life, nothing too drastic. The biggest one is that I started a new job in January and I really like it! I got a new tattoo that says "Don't stumble over what's behind you." I got it as a daily reminder to keep moving forward and to stop beating myself up for past decisions  and mistakes. It's a battle every day and a conscious effort but I feel like I'm a more positive person these days .I made a New Year's resolution to be more positive about things. This resolve has been tested by my new coworkers ,whom I love dearly but complain all day long about everything. I sometimes wonder if I was that person once upon a time and if I was just as annoying.  I'm guessing I was. I'm still trying to put Fundy world in the rear view mirror and I think I'm doing a pretty good job although I did have a minor setback about a month ago. We got a message from our old church on the home an...

I had to make a difficult decision last week and long story short, it got blown way out of proportion. I was betrayed by someone I thought was my friend and it was a shock. Had this happened a year ago, it would have crippled me emotionally. Does it bother me?  Of course it does just as it would bother anyone with a heart and feelings but I'm not letting it devastate me the way I would have in the past. I haven't shed one tear or lost a minute of sleep over it. I can't express enough how good counseling has been for me!  People who have not experienced depression or anxiety don't understand why these little victories mean so much but to me, it feels like I have climbed a mountain!  It is great to be able to get through a difficult situation without retreating into a dark hole and beating myself up. Yay me!!

I just read this blog and I don't think I could say it any better than this lady!!   https://spiritualsoundingboard.com/2017/05/22/new-blog-series-spiritual-abuse-in-the-church-a-guide-to-recognition-and-recovery-by-pastor-ken-garrett/comment-page-1/#comment-358579

Denial can be a pretty powerful thing. It's a natural reaction to an unpleasant situation and in the moment, it can feel like a good thing. After all, if it's not that bad, you can keep on living your life. "My loved one isn't really that sick. They're going to be okay. ""My friend is ignoring my calls and blowing me off but it's not a big deal.  She's just busy right now. " "Yes my pastor tells me what I should wear and what kind of music to listen to but it's only because he cares about me and wants me to be close to God." I really can't stand liars and one of the things that I have come to terms with, is that for a very long time, I was lying to myself. For years, I was so deeply entrenched in the Fundy world, that I lied to myself that it was all for my own good. I would get so defensive when people on the outside would question as to why we "had" to wear certain clothes. I would stumble and stammer, trying to ...

As I mentioned in my previous post, the last week and a half has been a rollercoaster ride. I've been trying to think about why I got so triggered by two teenage girls from our old church knocking on my door. It's a complicated, long, confusing story of our situation with our old church, going back over a decade. People who have not been in that situation just don't get it and it's very hard to explain. I'm going to try to use this blog as a way to sort through the tangle of thoughts and feelings about it. I talked to my counselor a couple of days ago about what happened, and she said something I never thought of before. She mentioned that it's normal to have a situation trigger your emotions when you've been through a traumatic experience, as in PTSD. I honestly never thought what I went through in our church (Independent Fundamental Baptist Church or Fundy for short) was traumatic. I thought trauma was reserved for people who have been physically or sexual...