Bent but not broken

I had never heard the term "spiritual abuse " until just over a year ago. When I first heard about it, to me it almost sounded overly dramatic but as I have researched it and also dealing with my own experiences, I realize it really is abuse. Last night, I was chatting with an online friend who is getting out of an abusive marriage. I started explaining to her a little bit of my experience with our former church and it hit me how many parallels there are in an abusive relationship and a spiritually abusive church. The manipulation, use of fear and guilt, the gaslighting ,the lies and isolation are all there. It just manifests itself in different ways. My friend was asking how she could have let this go on so long when she knew she was being used and manipulated .I told her it's amazing the tricks your mind plays on you when you're in an unhealthy situation and the lengths you will go to in your head to justify all the bullshit.  My friend said "You get it. You re...

It never ceases to amaze me how much I've changed but what's really weird is when I run into someone I used to go to church with ,and  they've also done a complete 180. There are a few people that I used to work with in the church nursery and other ministries, and we now run into each other at bars and talk about smoking weed and getting drunk. Some of these people don't really surprise me that they've gone the opposite direction but some people, I never would have thought they'd end up where they're at. I'm sure a lot of people think that about me. Not that I care but it's just something that crosses my mind occasionally. I said to my husband the other day that I wonder if these other people who have experienced a similar metamorphosis, have really changed or if they were always like that but kept it inside. He said it doesn't really matter, it is what it is. Whatever the reason, I'm just glad we're at this point and not where we were 5 ...

Yesterday my husband and I ran into a guy from our old church at the gym. I was huffing and puffing on the treadmill so I didn't talk to him but my husband did. We had heard that he and his family along with a few other families had left the church too but we didn't know why. It turns out, this family left for a lot of  the same reasons we did; the hypocrisy and double standards, ever changing rules, and the final straw, the bullying of their daughter. It was like Deja Vu for us. It really upset me because it brought back a lot of the feelings I have been trying to move past. However, I didn't get as upset as I would have in the past and it's a bit of a relief to know that other people went through the same thing and I am not overreacting or making this up. I really wish we could just move away from here so we don't have to worry about running into people from our old church. I know it's only a matter of time before I run into someone I REALLY don't want to ...

I read a Facebook post from a young lady we knew from our former church (she and her family left the church before we did) that was extremely disturbing. Long story short, when she was at "Christian " college, she was in an unhealthy relationship with a young man that manipulated her into performing sexual acts.  Because of the extremely conservative environment in which she was raised and the equally conservative environment of the college, she was terrified to speak up. She explained it as having a "Scarlet Letter " attached to you whenever you messed up, with regards to the judgement and shame. This is a very lovely young lady, beautiful,smart and talented. To say I was shocked when I read that, is an understatement. I think my mouth was hanging open. She finally found the courage to break free of the relationship after a couple of years and is sharing her story with the hope that she can help others in the same situation. While I'm upset about what happened ...

I just read this blog and I don't think I could say it any better than this lady!!   https://spiritualsoundingboard.com/2017/05/22/new-blog-series-spiritual-abuse-in-the-church-a-guide-to-recognition-and-recovery-by-pastor-ken-garrett/comment-page-1/#comment-358579

Denial can be a pretty powerful thing. It's a natural reaction to an unpleasant situation and in the moment, it can feel like a good thing. After all, if it's not that bad, you can keep on living your life. "My loved one isn't really that sick. They're going to be okay. ""My friend is ignoring my calls and blowing me off but it's not a big deal.  She's just busy right now. " "Yes my pastor tells me what I should wear and what kind of music to listen to but it's only because he cares about me and wants me to be close to God." I really can't stand liars and one of the things that I have come to terms with, is that for a very long time, I was lying to myself. For years, I was so deeply entrenched in the Fundy world, that I lied to myself that it was all for my own good. I would get so defensive when people on the outside would question as to why we "had" to wear certain clothes. I would stumble and stammer, trying to ...

I mentioned in my previous entry that much of what I believed was motivated by fear and guilt. I no longer have the same fears and guilt but I still struggle with guilt, in a different way. I feel guilty for not getting out sooner and the damage that it caused all of us, particularly my oldest son. I'm working on not beating myself up for falling into the trap. I always thought I was too smart to get caught up in that kind of environment. I'm slowly coming to terms with understanding that it's not all my fault. After reading so many stories of people who experienced the same thing, I'm trying to accept that "they " (pastors and others in the church)  are very good at deceiving people. It's what they do. They prey upon people's vulnerability and need for a spiritual community. At the same time, I'm struggling with not being angry with those people, because they have been deceived as well. While I was not in a position of authority, I was once just a...

One of the hardest things to admit about the spiritual abuse I experienced is the distorted view of God.  For so many years, I was told what to believe and that if I didn't believe exactly what I was told, I wasn't really a Christian. Looking back, I realize that my beliefs were based on fear and guilt, not faith. Doubt was always present but I didn't dare vocalize it. I would look at the people around me and wonder why I didn't have the strong faith that they did or at least I THOUGHT they did. What was wrong with me?  Why didn't I have that joy?  I became good at putting on a face and pretending. Now that I'm out, I suspect that there were a lot of other people who were doing the same thing. It's a scary thing to realize that what you believed is nothing more than a mirage or a false front. When the curtain falls and you see the man behind it, being the voice of the wizard, it's very unnerving. It's hard to admit that you are no longer sure what yo...

As I mentioned in my previous post, the last week and a half has been a rollercoaster ride. I've been trying to think about why I got so triggered by two teenage girls from our old church knocking on my door. It's a complicated, long, confusing story of our situation with our old church, going back over a decade. People who have not been in that situation just don't get it and it's very hard to explain. I'm going to try to use this blog as a way to sort through the tangle of thoughts and feelings about it. I talked to my counselor a couple of days ago about what happened, and she said something I never thought of before. She mentioned that it's normal to have a situation trigger your emotions when you've been through a traumatic experience, as in PTSD. I honestly never thought what I went through in our church (Independent Fundamental Baptist Church or Fundy for short) was traumatic. I thought trauma was reserved for people who have been physically or sexual...