Bent but not broken

As I mentioned in my previous post, the last week and a half has been a rollercoaster ride. I've been trying to think about why I got so triggered by two teenage girls from our old church knocking on my door. It's a complicated, long, confusing story of our situation with our old church, going back over a decade. People who have not been in that situation just don't get it and it's very hard to explain. I'm going to try to use this blog as a way to sort through the tangle of thoughts and feelings about it. I talked to my counselor a couple of days ago about what happened, and she said something I never thought of before. She mentioned that it's normal to have a situation trigger your emotions when you've been through a traumatic experience, as in PTSD. I honestly never thought what I went through in our church (Independent Fundamental Baptist Church or Fundy for short) was traumatic. I thought trauma was reserved for people who have been physically or sexual...

I've been really trying to be more positive about things but someone out there either didn't get the memo or got it and said "Oh you're going to be more positive and grateful?!?  Here hold my beer! "  Recap of the past week :  Last Wednesday, I had a really good counseling session about the guilt I feel over not leaving our previous church/cult. That's a whole blog in and of itself. About two hours after my session, two girls from our old church showed up at my doorstep, passing out pamphlets!  That triggered all kinds of emotions and thoughts that I am trying to move past. Saturday I worked and it was a massively shitty day from start to finish. Sunday was a little better but I came home to find out that four bicycles were stolen from our front porch the night before. Yesterday my youngest son was diagnosed with moderate scoliosis. It's not serious and can be treated but anytime you hear that something is wrong with your child it's a little unnerving....

In addition to being grateful for what I already have, I'm going to start making a list of things that I want and work on believing that I can have them and that I deserve them. 1.I want my children to have a lot of friends and to be happy. 2.I want to move to SC to be closer to my parents 3. I want to have a house on the beach. 4. I want my new fitness class to be successful 5. I want to be 120 pounds and fit.

On the recommendation of a friend, I started reading "The Secret ". I just got started and I am still trying to understand what it's all about, but basically, it says that positive thoughts attract positive things and negative thoughts attract negative things. One of the first steps to making it work is to develop an attitude of gratitude for what you already have. So here I go: 1. I'm grateful for my wonderful husband who treats me like a queen.  2. I'm grateful for my two healthy children.  3. I'm grateful for having two loving and supportive parents. 4. I'm grateful for a safe, comfortable house 5. I'm grateful for being able to afford four vehicles  6. I'm thankful for my husband's job which allows me to work on a casual basis and spend time with my family. 7. I'm thankful for my job which allows me to be flexible with hours and be around great people. 8. I'm thankful for my friend giving me an opportunity to get back into teaching ...

Many years ago, when I was in LPN school, I learned about the stages of grief. Being a self centered teenager, I naively thought that the grieving process was something you went through in a neat and orderly fashion and then everything was fine again. I've found out the hard way that's not even close to reality. I also thought it was only for a death I've come to think of grief as a maze that you are constantly walking through, for the rest of your life. Just when you think you have found the end, you run into another wall or you find another door you have to walk through, only to find yourself bouncing off yet another wall. I wonder : Does anyone ever truly reach the stage of acceptance?  In my mind, acceptance means that you accept that the person who died is gone or the relationship is over or the opportunity isn't meant to be, and you're okay with that. Maybe my definition is wrong because I don't understand how a human being with all the thoughts and feelin...

I have so much stuff floating around in my head that it's hard to know where to start. I guess I should start with a really quick explanation of who I am and why I am here on this site. I'm a married mom of two teenage boys and a displaced Southern girl still trying to figure out where I fit in, even after living here in the strange land of western Pennsylvania for almost twenty years. I've struggled with depression and anxiety most of my life which is a big reason for this blog. I started counseling last summer and it's helped me a lot but I still feel like I need an outlet for all the chaos in my head. Most of the time I feel like I am barely hanging on,although I'm in a better place than I was a year ago. My life hasn't been easy,  especially in the last few years but I'm hoping that I will be able to get a handle on things someday and not always question and doubt everything.