Bent but not broken

For the most part, aside from a few uncontrollable eye rolling moments when I read some Fundy porn posts on Facebook, I'm doing pretty well leaving that world behind.  Occasionally though, I will see or hear something that takes me back. For example ,just tonight I read a post on a forum for moms from an anonymous woman who is literally trapped in fundamentalism. Her husband is the stereotypical controlling and abusive Fundy husband and has threatened to take her kids away if she leaves. I'm so very thankful that my husband never bought into the whole submissive wife bullshit but at the same time, I can relate on some level to her feelings of being trapped. For a while, we weren't on the same page with regards to the church and I wanted to leave but he didn't. It caused a lot of tension between us. I was absolutely miserable whenever I forced myself to go to church with him and our kids and felt like I was suffocating. I'm grateful every day that we finally got out ...

I read a Facebook post from a young lady we knew from our former church (she and her family left the church before we did) that was extremely disturbing. Long story short, when she was at "Christian " college, she was in an unhealthy relationship with a young man that manipulated her into performing sexual acts.  Because of the extremely conservative environment in which she was raised and the equally conservative environment of the college, she was terrified to speak up. She explained it as having a "Scarlet Letter " attached to you whenever you messed up, with regards to the judgement and shame. This is a very lovely young lady, beautiful,smart and talented. To say I was shocked when I read that, is an understatement. I think my mouth was hanging open. She finally found the courage to break free of the relationship after a couple of years and is sharing her story with the hope that she can help others in the same situation. While I'm upset about what happened ...

I mentioned in my previous entry that much of what I believed was motivated by fear and guilt. I no longer have the same fears and guilt but I still struggle with guilt, in a different way. I feel guilty for not getting out sooner and the damage that it caused all of us, particularly my oldest son. I'm working on not beating myself up for falling into the trap. I always thought I was too smart to get caught up in that kind of environment. I'm slowly coming to terms with understanding that it's not all my fault. After reading so many stories of people who experienced the same thing, I'm trying to accept that "they " (pastors and others in the church)  are very good at deceiving people. It's what they do. They prey upon people's vulnerability and need for a spiritual community. At the same time, I'm struggling with not being angry with those people, because they have been deceived as well. While I was not in a position of authority, I was once just a...

One of the hardest things to admit about the spiritual abuse I experienced is the distorted view of God.  For so many years, I was told what to believe and that if I didn't believe exactly what I was told, I wasn't really a Christian. Looking back, I realize that my beliefs were based on fear and guilt, not faith. Doubt was always present but I didn't dare vocalize it. I would look at the people around me and wonder why I didn't have the strong faith that they did or at least I THOUGHT they did. What was wrong with me?  Why didn't I have that joy?  I became good at putting on a face and pretending. Now that I'm out, I suspect that there were a lot of other people who were doing the same thing. It's a scary thing to realize that what you believed is nothing more than a mirage or a false front. When the curtain falls and you see the man behind it, being the voice of the wizard, it's very unnerving. It's hard to admit that you are no longer sure what yo...