Bent but not broken

I just read this blog and I don't think I could say it any better than this lady!!   https://spiritualsoundingboard.com/2017/05/22/new-blog-series-spiritual-abuse-in-the-church-a-guide-to-recognition-and-recovery-by-pastor-ken-garrett/comment-page-1/#comment-358579

Denial can be a pretty powerful thing. It's a natural reaction to an unpleasant situation and in the moment, it can feel like a good thing. After all, if it's not that bad, you can keep on living your life. "My loved one isn't really that sick. They're going to be okay. ""My friend is ignoring my calls and blowing me off but it's not a big deal.  She's just busy right now. " "Yes my pastor tells me what I should wear and what kind of music to listen to but it's only because he cares about me and wants me to be close to God." I really can't stand liars and one of the things that I have come to terms with, is that for a very long time, I was lying to myself. For years, I was so deeply entrenched in the Fundy world, that I lied to myself that it was all for my own good. I would get so defensive when people on the outside would question as to why we "had" to wear certain clothes. I would stumble and stammer, trying to ...

I mentioned in my previous entry that much of what I believed was motivated by fear and guilt. I no longer have the same fears and guilt but I still struggle with guilt, in a different way. I feel guilty for not getting out sooner and the damage that it caused all of us, particularly my oldest son. I'm working on not beating myself up for falling into the trap. I always thought I was too smart to get caught up in that kind of environment. I'm slowly coming to terms with understanding that it's not all my fault. After reading so many stories of people who experienced the same thing, I'm trying to accept that "they " (pastors and others in the church)  are very good at deceiving people. It's what they do. They prey upon people's vulnerability and need for a spiritual community. At the same time, I'm struggling with not being angry with those people, because they have been deceived as well. While I was not in a position of authority, I was once just a...

One of the hardest things to admit about the spiritual abuse I experienced is the distorted view of God.  For so many years, I was told what to believe and that if I didn't believe exactly what I was told, I wasn't really a Christian. Looking back, I realize that my beliefs were based on fear and guilt, not faith. Doubt was always present but I didn't dare vocalize it. I would look at the people around me and wonder why I didn't have the strong faith that they did or at least I THOUGHT they did. What was wrong with me?  Why didn't I have that joy?  I became good at putting on a face and pretending. Now that I'm out, I suspect that there were a lot of other people who were doing the same thing. It's a scary thing to realize that what you believed is nothing more than a mirage or a false front. When the curtain falls and you see the man behind it, being the voice of the wizard, it's very unnerving. It's hard to admit that you are no longer sure what yo...