When the curtain falls

One of the hardest things to admit about the spiritual abuse I experienced is the distorted view of God.  For so many years, I was told what to believe and that if I didn't believe exactly what I was told, I wasn't really a Christian. Looking back, I realize that my beliefs were based on fear and guilt, not faith. Doubt was always present but I didn't dare vocalize it. I would look at the people around me and wonder why I didn't have the strong faith that they did or at least I THOUGHT they did. What was wrong with me?  Why didn't I have that joy?  I became good at putting on a face and pretending. Now that I'm out, I suspect that there were a lot of other people who were doing the same thing. It's a scary thing to realize that what you believed is nothing more than a mirage or a false front. When the curtain falls and you see the man behind it, being the voice of the wizard, it's very unnerving. It's hard to admit that you are no longer sure what you believe. I still believe in God but it's not the same God I once believed in, or at least the one I THOUGHT I believed in. I'm not really sure who God is or what He means. I'm not really trying to find out either. Right now, I'm trying to detox and catch up on things that I missed. I feel like God isn't going anywhere and He'll wait for me. Personally, I think it's really crappy to twist and distort the Bible to the point where it is damaging to people. Unfortunately, there's no repercussions for that at least not on this earth. I know people who have been so traumatized and damaged by the warped teachings of the church, that they no longer believe in God at all.  These are people who were once some of the most committed and faithful to God and church I've ever seen. It's really sad and confusing!