Coming out and moving on

I mentioned in my previous entry that much of what I believed was motivated by fear and guilt. I no longer have the same fears and guilt but I still struggle with guilt, in a different way. I feel guilty for not getting out sooner and the damage that it caused all of us, particularly my oldest son. I'm working on not beating myself up for falling into the trap. I always thought I was too smart to get caught up in that kind of environment. I'm slowly coming to terms with understanding that it's not all my fault. After reading so many stories of people who experienced the same thing, I'm trying to accept that "they " (pastors and others in the church)  are very good at deceiving people. It's what they do. They prey upon people's vulnerability and need for a spiritual community. At the same time, I'm struggling with not being angry with those people, because they have been deceived as well. While I was not in a position of authority, I was once just as blinded by the lies and deceit as they are. I also feel ashamed that I was once very judgemental and critical of people who weren't in our little bubble and didn't fall in lockstep with us. It's such a complicated, convoluted thought process, this "coming out " of the bubble. It's not as simple as just walking away and starting over. There are emotions and thoughts and connections with other people that make it hard to let go and move on. For my own healing, I have made the choice to distance myself and in some cases, cut ties completely with a lot of people. I do feel better that it's MY choice and not allowing others to cut me off, as is often the case. I took the proactive route which is a good way to get back some of my control. For so long, I didn't have much control if any, over my own life. It feels good to be able to make my own decisions about my own spiritual life and relationship with God.